I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
