you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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