Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
