Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
