Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
where am i from again
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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