You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
