I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Bring me that man meat
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Randomize
