she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
