Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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