why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
