no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
stop calling my apartment porn island.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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