My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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