Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
