We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
