Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
