Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
