so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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