I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
