i don't want you to think of me as your TA
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
