he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
