i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
