his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
