You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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