I'm pants shitting drunk right now
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Randomize
