So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
