My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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