You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
