Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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