If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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