She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
