I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
bring money and cleavage
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
