I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
