I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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