I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
