Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
