I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
