I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Randomize
