I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
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Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
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He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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