Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
