omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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