Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
