ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
