Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
