Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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