I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
