My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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