I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
