I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
