I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
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you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
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This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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