Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
