I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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