Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
