I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
