we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
