NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
