You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
